Saturday, February 20, 2010

My love for my son.

I knew that I would love my son. I knew, from what small understanding I have of human behavior that a bond would develop. A bond so strong that I would do anything for him regardless of personal discomfort, inconvenience, or injury. What I didn't know was that I would love him as much as I do. I didn't know that I had so much room in my mind as to contain the absolute adoration I have for him.

Let me put it this way; I knew that I would love him, I didn't know that I would think him beautiful. Maybe that's just part of it - maybe every parent thinks their child is beautiful. I know that when things are quiet and nothing else is going on, I just like to look at him. He has rebellious blonde hair, sparkling light blue eyes and dimples. But it doesn't stop there. I love every curve of his body. His neck, his arms, his belly. I feel privileged that he's still young enough to be completely unselfconscious about his nudity.

I love almost everything about him. His voice. His laugh. His eating habits. His curiosity. His apparent love of music. Everything.

So I worry about him starting school. Up until recently I have assumed that I would be home-schooling him. When we made the decision to put him in public school I was heartbroken, but I've quickly come around to the idea. He's very excited about it and I have to admit that I'm looking forward to having a few hours to myself every day. Oh yes, I'll still be at home.

But I'm worried about what school will do to him. Will he still be sweet? Will it dull or enhance his curiosity? I'm worried about the other kids. I can't control who he'll be interacting with like I can now. Will the other kids be mean? Will my own son be mean?

Shelly and I are both atheists and we haven't raised Cole with any outstanding religious convictions and I worry sometimes that the other parents won't let their kids play with ours. People don't trust atheists; they think we have no morals. It's not true. Well, it probably won't come up. I haven't been indoctrinating Cole with an attitude of arrogant dismissal. No, I just try to explain things as clearly and as honestly as possible. So the following things are mythical: God, Zeus, Thor, fairies, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny.

Point is I love my son and for his sake I hope school goes well. For my sake I hope school doesn't beat him down like it did me.



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